This season will be full of human beings. I always write down my ideas before I fully cook and plate in to serve in this blog, and so far I can see, I will discuss a lot about human behaviour. From emotions to conspiracy theories, this will be quite a ride. First of all I want to say that I will reduce my upload frequency down to around one post per week, theoretically every weekend. My semester starts really soon, so some important measures have to be done.

Relationships, How Two Humans Share Their Vulnerabilities


Today I would like to discuss about relationships. I feel like I have discussed too much abstract things, so I am trying to dial back in this one. Relationships : the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected, according to oxford dictionaries. It does not mention anything about marriage or dating, just a connection between two human beings. However, our mind is automatically tuned to connect relationship and a romantic connection, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, since romantic relationship is considered as the highest tier of a relationship, or is it really?

To be clear, here I am talking about every form of relationships : friendship, colleagues, significant other. Every connection between two human beings. Let's talk about how every relationship begin. There is two way : First, you know him/her because you have to. Both of you are in the same group that forces you to work together, so you have to know him/her better. Maybe you end up liking him/her and become more than just a work colleague. Or maybe you end up hating him/her and forget that you have ever met after the project is done. The second way is the voluntarily method. You are attracted to someone else, and decided to get to know him/her better. Maybe it's due to his/her physical attributes, skills, characteristics, anything.

Everyone has their own approach to work on relationships, I'll share my own to make it easier to understand what I am talking about here. First of all, I do not care if I know someone by accident or in a certain situation. I personally think it's just the way the probabilistic nature put us together, and the rest is up to us. I divide my relationships really loudly and clearly. I have classmates, work colleagues, acquittances, friends, and a significant other. Some of them may overlap, but every single person I know has their own 'label' on how I should treat them. As someone who generally hates every human being, this kind of labelling makes me easier to interact and manage my relationships.

Now About The Romantic One


I don't believe in the idea that there is always someone meant to be with you. In my mother tongue we call this as 'jodoh'. I can't find the appropriate translation in english, maybe the best one is soulmate, since the concept of 'jodoh' is actually deeply rooted in the culture and religion: God basically created both of you to live together. God arranged you to meet, and from that moment you just need to trust your relationship to Him. I will not say that this concept is wrong or flawed, I am just going to share my opinions why I do not agree to this idea.

First of all, I take a romantic relationship as any other kind of relationship. Both of you meet under a certain circumstance, and both of you really have to work on it. There is no 'shortcut' or easier way, you get to know each other, learn about what you like and dislike, and in the end you decide to be together as a life partner. Acting that you know someone as your soulmate is a good thing, you feel that you are united by God so you really present your relationship to Him. However, I feel that if somehow the relationship is failed, there are only you just end up saying, "because he/she is not created for me." When people believe on a higher power, there is always a tendency to blame God on the situation, rather than taking a step back and looking at your mistakes.

As you already read on the title, marriage without dating, or commonly called as "Taarof" is a just a manifestation of finding a soulmate. You might be surprised that this thing is still common in my home town, even some of my friends with a religious background considering to do it. If you are not familiar with the concept, let me tell you. Basically you share a life plan with someone else you are not yet know well, and if you both agree to each other's terms and conditions, you both are getting married. As a note, this process could also be done through the family, without direct "proposal" to the person itself.

This idea seems primitive and doesn't make sense if you grew in a modern culture and see dating as a necessary step before marriage. However, how could we understand this idea?

The Art of Relationship


First of all, some people don't just take dating as a 'step' toward marriage. They enjoy the process of getting to know each other, make the moments beautiful, even trial and error, rather than just take it as a 'requirement'. However, to understand the concept of marriage without dating, we have to forget the beauty of dating. Simply think dating is a necessary step to know your future partner before you step into marriage.

In the idea of 'taarof', you learn about each other after the marriage. Some even say it as dating after the marriage itself. As long as you have the solid understanding of each other's goals in life, you are supposed to be alright. "But you have to be romantically attracted to be in love!" you might say. Well, do you really have to?

Think of it this way : marriage is just a type of relationship, such as work colleagues. Do you choose your work colleagues? No, but you end up finishing some work. Now, take marriage as just one of your 'projects', such as other work projects. So, first you find someone that have a same vision as you. Then, you do your project together. During the time you will learn more about your partner, some things you like, some things you don't. But you have the same goal : finishing the project, in this situation is living together until the death separates you and your partner. Add a touch of religious believe, tada.

Does Every Relationship Follow The Same Mechanism?


Every relationship is just about finding a common goal. Every obstacles you found along the way revolves around that searching. I personally think the advantage of dating before the marriage is you get the 'jump start', which means you already know a part of your future partner before really swim into a marriage life. However, every couple wants a long-lasting marriage : which means longer than the dating itself. How big is the role that this jump start plays?

However, that is the beauty of relationships. You grow together and learn more about each other every day, doesn't matter as a colleague, friend, or partner. Sharing your life with someone else means two things : you allow the other person help you along the way, but you also share your vulnerabilities. Everything could change along the way: the intention, the motives, even the trust. It's all about finding the sweet spot to satisfy each other's needs.